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I asked people on my social media accounts for their biggest questions on polyamory. Here are the answers.
Q #1: Are all three of you in a relationship together or do you have separate relationships?
No, we are not all together. I have two separate romantic relationships with Rob and Tim. They're friends (what a lot of people refer to as "kitchen table poly," where everyone knows and is friendly with other partners), but not in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with one another. My relationship is what's called a "vee" relationship, with me being the "hinge" of the V and two separate relationships springing out from me. The alternative, which is way more visible in most media on polyamory, is a triad. In a triad, all three people would be in a romantic/sexual relationship together.
Q #2: How did you and your husband decide polyamory was right for you? / How do you know you're polyamorous?
I got these two questions that represent two different views on polyamory: the first sees polyamory as something you do, the second sees polyamorous as something you are. From interacting with an awful lot of people in the poly community, I know that that we hold both views. In other words, some people happened into poly for some reason (perhaps they met someone who was poly) and it worked out and they feel like, in different circumstances, they could always go back to being monogamous. Others feel like polyamory is a relationship orientation and that they can't help but be better-suited to non-monogamy. They tend to feel strongly about not getting into relationships with people who would try to restrict their freedom to see others because it feels like being asked to sacrifice a major part of themselves.
For myself, I see polyamory as an orientation because it's fairly easy for me to love more than one person simultaneously and because it's incredibly difficult for me to be satisfied with monogamy, even when trying pretty hard to be satisfied. Rob and I have always been very open with each other communication-wise, so he knew when I was distressed and we would talk about my feelings. We both knew years before we ever chose polyamory that I had a cycle of struggling with feelings for other people.
As for Rob, he had been separately intrigued by open relationships too. One of us would bring it up, "jokingly" - always at a time when the other was totally not in the mood to entertain the idea, so it never went anywhere for a while. But finally, we both decided we were willing to try it out for real, so we read everything we could find and jumped in. At first it was a terrible disaster because it's so very different from what we were taught and there's a lot of potential to really mess things up. But we were willing to try again, and it got better.
But to answer the underlying question - how do you know poly is right for you? Because you desire it and because you can do it. I believe you need those two things to succeed, and I believe the "can do" can be worked on. But you have to be willing to turn so many of your previous beliefs and assumptions on their heads and a lot of people who are surface-level interested just don't want to face the discomfort and uncertainty that comes with that. And to be honest, I don't think I could have either if I didn't desire it as much as I do.
Q #3: How do you differentiate between polyamory and infidelity?
We get a little frustrated about questions on this sometimes because we try so very hard to be ethical. It's a huge part of polyamory done well. But I guess a lot of people have a hard time separating the two because I'm sleeping with someone besides my husband whether I'm having an affair or being polyamorous. The major difference, of course, is that polyamory is consensual and infidelity is not. Everyone needs to be sincerely on board for "consensual, ethical non-monogamy."
People who call themselves polyamorous but then practice their relationships in unethical and dishonest ways further muddy the waters on this. The truth is that cheating is way easier than polyamory, which is probably why some people try to transition but keep cheating instead of being open about their actions. We put in a lot of work and communication to make sure everyone is doing okay. Part of this question was what the difference is between having an extramarital crush and being polyamorous - I don/t think there is a clear dividing line here apart from choosing to practice polyamory. I had extramarital crushes which I felt terribly guilty about before we were poly and I continued to have extramarital crushes after being poly. The difference is whether those are considered acceptable and mostly, something that can be acted on. The major difference is still consent.
Q #4: How do you handle jealousy among the partners?
Within polyamory, jealousy is seen as pretty normal just like in monogamy. The difference is that we don't feel like it needs to be avoided at any cost, instead treating it more like any other emotion. To be honest, Rob and Tim's emotions on this are mostly dealt with by them, though they can always talk to me about how they feel if they want. They have both actually been really amazing because they have always respected the relationship I have with the other - by encouraging me to spend time with the other, talking about my other relationship with me, and not expecting me to abruptly change plans with one of them based on emotions that could come up.
When they met for the first time, they talked about jealousy and how it would inevitably come up, even though everyone obviously came into this knowing about everyone else. It's an emotion, sometimes caused by something that can be addressed, sometimes just because we're all human. They both agree that seeing and getting to know and respect the other has been huge in helping with jealousy. I think in the end it mostly comes down to each individual person being willing to face their emotions around this.
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