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If you missed Part 1 of this post series, find it here!
Q #5: Do you deal with any sort of jealousy and, if so, how do you manage?
I'll answer this one for myself since the last post dealt with the jealousy of my partners. Currently, neither of my partners are seeing anyone else but they are both open to see others if they wish. I definitely experience jealousy and I also struggle with anxiety - not always the best combination. When people talk about poly people just not being jealous people - I'm sorry, but I think that's total bs. Are there some people it's easier for because they just have a certain kind of personality? Sure, but I can tell you from a bunch of Facebook poly groups that they are not the majority.
Experiencing jealousy doesn't mean you're not cut out for poly, but it does mean you need to be open to relearning what you previously believed about jealousy and to taking responsibility for difficult emotions while seeking support from your partners. So back to me: sometimes I'm in the mood to set Rob or Tim up with someone else because it sounds fun and exciting. Sometimes one of them gets a text from someone and I think "Oh my god, what if they starts seeing them, and then everything changes and it's all terrible?!" I think those two moods are okay, but I have to be able to find some grounding in the "everything will be terrible" times.
I know that when one of them does start seeing someone else, it will hold challenges for me but that I'll grow through them. And I'll be able to talk about my struggles with both of them, and they will do what they can to support me. But the fact that I'm having tough emotions won't be a reason for them not to do what they're doing, just like they shouldn't drop other important things in their lives because of my anxiety.
Q #6: How do you negotiate for your wants and needs?
Some people do talk about polyamorous relationships in a really transactional way, but that doesn't feel right to me and it's not how I do polyamory. I talk about my feelings and desires with my partners and I listen to their feelings and desires and we organically come to an understanding that satisfies both of us. The first time that Rob and I practiced polyamory, we both tried to impose a lot of rules on things like how the other could see people, who they should see, what timeline their new relationships would follow, etc. Lots of details, and it all came down to trying to make ourselves feel more secure and in control.
The problem was, it didn't work. The more we did it, the more we needed to do it. So when we decided to return to poly about a year ago, we decided that we wouldn't impose a bunch of rules and we haven't. But of course, we respect each other and take each other's feelings seriously when we're having conversations about what polyamory looks like for us and what it will look like in the future.
Q #7: How is cheating defined within polyamory?
It's possible to cheat within polyamory, but the definition is less universal than in monogamy. It's simply based on any agreements you have with your partners. If your agreement is "no rules, but you need to be open about what you're doing," hiding the dude you go out with once a month is cheating. If you have an agreement to be a "closed" triad, then cheating is going to be similar to how it's defined in monogamy - except you can see two people instead of one. If you have an agreement about wearing condoms with other sexual partners and you break it, that's a form of cheating.
Basically, cheating is cheating because someone is doing something dishonest that is not agreed upon. In monogamy, that's seeing anyone outside of the couple. In polyamory, this will be something different depending on the relationship and what has been decided on.
Q #8: How do you go about finding people interested in the lifestyle?
I see this question a lot and it's kind of tricky to answer. For one, it depends where you live. If you live in an urban area, chances are you can go on OkCupid and search by non-monogamous profiles and find legitimately polyamorous locals to talk to and meet up with. I know because I was able to do that when I lived in Cleveland.
Now that I live in a more rural area, I happen to know a few poly people because I already run in pretty progressive social circles but I don't really know of any consistent way to find them. The local Unitarian Universalist church did host a polyamorous group at one point, so you could always check out your local UU congregation and see if they know of any contacts that could connect you to others. Local LGBTQ+ support or activist groups might be other places to ask around.
Beyond that, you can also do things the old-fashioned way, by realizing you're into someone and approaching them. This is admittedly going to require a little more bravery and probably awkwardness. This is how I started seeing Tim, and I got hella lucky! He just happened to have dated a polyamorous woman before and so he actually knew what I was talking about. But the first time I tried this, there was a nervous cafe meetup with a friend where I broached poly and he was simultaneously intrigued and confused/conflicted. And it was incredibly awkward and ended up being a mess because he was super sure he'd like to fuck me but not so sure about being seen in public with me (no thanks, not what this is, next). I think "The Art of Telling Someone You're Into That You're Poly" might need its own book chapter, so I won't try to give you all my hard-earned expertise here. :-P
Thanks to everyone who asked a question! I know that polyamory is philosophically much different from standard monogamy and that this causes a lot of misunderstanding and misconceptions. If you have questions you didn't see here, feel free to shoot them my way! I'll try to get back to you with an answer and they might be used for future Q&A posts.
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